-I’m talking about the oranges.
They’re my new snack and I cant get enough of ‘em. Just like everything else in my life.
You see, by my closest friends I have been called an “indulger” or a “binge’r”. And I’m not proud of it. Its gross. I use to be a fat kid. Like really fat. And I know why. I am.. was, an emotional eater. But never mind that. That was then and this is now, and what I have realized now is that my disease has spread into my character. I feed off of people and its not healthy at all.
What I mean is that the way I treat people, things, and objects of my interest, I treat generously, but I don’t stop. Of course, I’d stop for it but I won’t stop for me. Its a self-controlling issue I deal with all the time.
I learn that when I like something I ware it out. I listen to it over and over, talk to him/her over and over, buy it over and over for sometimes the right reasons, but most of the time the wrong reasons. I do it to the point where the thrill is gone. The computer doesnt help either. Procrastination is the biggest side effect along with people thinking I’m too wired, and so on and so forth.
Its hard for me to break this cycle, and to this day I can disappointingly say that I have been through every personal breakthrough alone. Each battle I have won with determination and prayer. Not having self-control is one of my biggest problems and ironically that was always the “Student-of-the-Month” award I would receive in elementary school over and over.
I feel bad for my friends, having to put up with me. Its only a few. Or should I say, its down to a few. I can admit that some friends grow old or tired of my habits or thought process and they’re still my friend but I dont know them well anymore. I hardly know much of anyone anymore. Half of me doesn’t know why, half of me does. I get so upset with myself over the littlest things and for some reason I take it out on those I have no self-control towards, the ones I am closest to. It has to be because I don’t feel comfortable with where I am, right? You would think I could let whatever it is I have inside me out somehow but for some stupid reason I keep it inside, all the time.
I let off steam by saying things I mean but blowing them off as a joke. But I really mean it. And it sucks cuz if I found away to natural release my feelings I wouldnt say those things in the first place. I feel trapt in myself for some stupid reason and it always happens after I go steady in life for a good amount of time and then suddenly relax. Picking myself back up is exhausting ecspecially when I didnt rest right. (Doing nothing isn’t resting, talking things out with someone and being at ease is resting.)
Times like these I miss my parents, my sisters, my close friends. Cuz sometimes I need to just let it out so I can be myself and not be stupid about things. Atleast I have this.
Thank you God for everything you have given me. Please protect and be with my family, friends, and loved ones.